The words aren’t showing up for me today, not like they usually do. I tried to look up words or phrases associated with “19” but came up short on anything unrelated to COVID. That’s what I get for trying to Google my feelings.
Your brother just wrapped up his first week of employment. Like, an actual job with pay that doesn’t come from my bank account. In just a few short days I’ve witnessed a new maturity in him, a sense of responsibility and autonomy that wasn’t there before. I truly love that guy, you know? Not just because he’s my son, I mean, I love who he is as a human. We talk a lot and the conversations are more like heart revelations. He looks me in the eye and says sometimes hilarious, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes profoundly deep yet simple things that show me who he is.
I guess that’s what I’m missing most today, the opportunity to sit and talk with nineteen-year-old you. I long for the space to sit face to face and hear your heart. It’s odd that I’m struggling to find words today because there’s so much to say. If I could just look at you, look you straight in those beautiful brown eyes, the ones I never got to see, I’m sure the words would flow to the point that I’d be unable to stop them.
Maybe I rely too much on words. Maybe God is trying to show me that I don’t always need them. You know the depth of my love for you without my speaking or even thinking a single word. You know me. As it is said, you’re one of only two people in this world who know the sound of my heart from the inside. This truth releases me from the need to find the right words today.
So this is nineteen. Each year I learn more about myself and how much you are a part of me. I wonder about the person you would be, then realize that I already know. I miss you, but understand and feel that you’re always here.
Happy Birthday Elena, my shining light forever.
Carrie Joy(ful) 