As I sat at my desk this morning, a brightly colored butterfly landed on our neighbor’s tree just outside my window. I took notice initially because the orange and black fluttering wings caught my gaze, but it’s what happened after the landing that kept me watching. The beautiful little creature found just the place she was seeking, a quiet branch fully immersed in sunlight where she could pause to warm herself in the crisp fall morning air. She stayed just a minute or two, moving her wings slightly and slowly back and forth as if to be sure that not a spot went untouched by the sun’s rays. These brief moments spoke volumes to me about contentment and gratitude as I witnessed this tiny life being met right where she was, receiving exactly what was needed at the time.
While I am often guilty of missing opportunities for gratitude, in recent weeks they’ve been unavoidable, almost like God is speaking to me in neon and spotlights. The message that seems to be playing on repeat is simply this – God sees me right where I am and meets me with just what I need.
This message is a welcome one, as our fifth year of homeschooling has me redefining the word “challenging.” The curriculum is new, my work schedule is demanding, and the teen hormones are at max power. Tacked on to a year that began with my husband suffering a massive heart attack, the emotions in this house have been running high and spilling out of every window and door. It wasn’t long into the new school year before we all found ourselves exhausted and ready to give up. “Maybe this isn’t what God wants for us. Maybe the homeschooling chapter is over.” When everything feels too hard and too heavy, you start to question it all.
In desperation I found myself on the phone with a respected advisor to my son, apologizing for what I viewed as my failures and telling the whole story in tears. She kindly and graciously listened, and when I was done spilling my guts she said, “I don’t know if you know my story.” Those words snapped me out of my pity party and for the next several minutes I listened with my heart to a story that seemed so familiar. A new school program, an ill husband, doubts, frustration, and fear. She and her family had been in the trenches before us and lived to tell about it. Through her truth and her willingness to share it, the Lord met me where I was and gave me exactly what I needed at that moment.
As we enter this season of gratitude, what I am most thankful to God for is that He shows up – not in the way that I want Him to, but in the way that He knows I need Him to. He sees me. He isn’t waiting for me to achieve some specific level of motherhood or what the world would consider success. Instead, He’s right there with me in the mess waiting for me to see Him – inviting me to land and spread my wings to catch the rays of His perfect love.
Carrie Joy(ful) 