Dozens

Good things come in dozens. Sweet and delicious things. Practical things. Beautiful things. Precious things.

Cookies, donuts, and eggs. Pens, pencils, and socks. Roses. Hours.

These and dozens of other wonderful things escaped you. You won’t ever see or touch, taste or smell them. You won’t experience places or time. Hours don’t have meaning when I think of you because they didn’t come. We barely had minutes. Minutes that no matter how much we wished and how hard we tried, could not be stretched into even one hour, let alone a dozen.

Today makes twelve. A dozen years since we met you and said goodbye all at once. It doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed until I think about all of the life that I have lived in twelve years. Life that has come not in spite of or because of you, but life that has been completely inspired by you.

I’ve been searching within myself for some word or expression that could adequately define how I feel about today, but I don’t know that one exists. I can’t say that I’m happy or sad, nothing is quite that simple. Emotions became far less distinct a dozen years ago. Since you came they bleed outside the lines and blend into each other to form ways of being and feeling that are entirely new. I am alive and affected, aware of the fact that it’s never been this many years before, and yet it will never again be this few.

What I do know is that true living is not about checklists or counting the dozens of things I’ve missed. Though this day marks an absence it’s also filled with presence. Today I give thanks for dozens of breaths and smiles, flowers and sunsets. Dozens of mistakes made and lessons learned. I welcome gratitude for the dozens of tears and hugs, conversations and connections which have forged authentic relationships. Dozens of reasons for living and loving.

Good things come in dozens. Sweet and delicious things. Practical things. Beautiful things. Precious things.

Like my thoughts of you.